by Brunk Edwards
Cast of Characters
King Hommlett – King of Homm
Queen Melos – Queen of Homm, wife of King Hommlett
Lily Rainwethur – Young Princess of Homm
Sir Baron St. Asgard – The King’s Hand
Florcari Denz – Head Servant
Frankenstein Werewolfenson, Esq. – A Noble
Lucious Potpenny – Merchant
Cal Ripken Junior, Jr. – Son of Cal Ripken Junion, Sr.
Blavin Computadora – Conquistador
Mandgold – Court Jester
Wendall Quallouard – Diplomat
Carr VelThule – Foreign Pirate
Zangeif Malfuyungsi – Gentleman Vampire
Mr. Bae – Royal Nightwatch (Whatever that is)
Nerrin and Ablo – Fellow mischiefmakers
Connifer Callus – Gardner
Bonesmoke – The prince’s dog
Radical Cat – The princess’ cat. Oft refered to as simply “Radicat”
St. Voligan’s Day – Holiday (Observed)
Queen’s Jubilee – Queen Melos’ birthday celebration
A King’s courtyard. Mid Autumn. Leaves rustle in the wind as guests of the Royals gallavant about unaware of the troubles and toils of the less fortunate just outside the castle walls. Scores of the prim and proper mingle and jest amongst each other. A feast of epic proportions is spread out on a long oak table in the center of the garden. St. Voligan’s day is upon us. The crowd has gathered beneath the banners of House Hommlett in a massive celebration of vanity and appetite. Guests of the throne are both seated and standing. Court jester Mandgold tumbles about the dining tables to the delight of all. A dog, possibly belonging to one of Sir Asgard’s twin daughters nibles on some mutton ‘neath the shade of a massive old oak tree. A farmer’s strike has driven the prices and demand for coffee beans to an all-time high.
GENTLEMAN GUEST 1I say, this coffee strike hath come at a most peculiar time, what with the Queen’s Jubilee coming uponst us next month.
GENTLEMAN GUEST 2I don’t like coffee.
THE ENDRejected characters
1.Q-VCR6000 – An experimental time robot. Always says the wrong thing at the wrong time with comical results.
2. Gary – A 20th century human from California. At the royal feast for some unexplained reason. His modern ways and manner of speaking clash mightily with the customs of the royal guests. Although at first he makes quite the fool of himself, he later wins over the court and even the royal family themselves after playing air guitar with a broom along with the courtyard musicians. He will later marry the princess and with her help, teach the subjects about “cool shit.”
1. During the feast, a commotion outside the walls cause the guests to gather at the front gate. Looking through the front gates, they witness a 1961 Ferrari GT250 with California plates roaring by. It is driven by two men wearing “A1-EZ-OK Parking” uniforms. The theme from Star Wars is blaring from their stereo and the automobile rockets past in the blink of an eye. Although this incident only lasts for a moment, the guests are shocked. Stunned silence and fear ripples through the crowd. Nothing in their lives will ever be the same again.
2. During the feast, a U.S. fighter jet soars by high above the castle. No one notices it though, because they are all busy watching Bonesmoke chase his tail in a comical fashion.
[Originally appeared in DP I, and was performed live at the release gala for DP III, starring Jimmy Flynn (original bassist for Mind Eraser) as Gentleman Guest 1. It will be a major motion picture as soon as Hollywood realizes there's a script out there for a film that hasn't been made five times already.]